Silliness and Banter

Well.

2008-11-01T22:59:06Z

My time is currently monopolized by an espresso machine, a painting studio and a boy who's 6'10".

♥

Jeremiah 23:24

2008-08-09T21:34:08Z

---- I resisted coming here, to open the harbors that guard my heart.

Almost all of my things are moved out of my room. I cleaned out my big closet that I haven't touched since well before I moved out last year. There were things in there that were painfully nostalgic. And that I was almost moved to keep. They hurt my heart to want to hold on to, but I didn't think I could just throw them away. So I picked up the book. And this is what page I opened up to.

And after that, I smiled, I laughed at how wonderful the memories that these objects and notes held. And I let them go.

I can't wait to be back home in Salem. Making cappuccinos. Hanging out with my Ronni, my cat and my Chris. <3

Something that hurts.

2008-03-29T03:22:02Z

A friend who doesn't have the love for you that you have for them. A friend who does not have nearly the maturity that you do. A friend who you would (and have) gone to the ends of the Earth for, but you find will not or is incapable of doing the same for you.

and even worse than all that. believing that this friend was better than that. and finding that you were so wrong.

sigh! end emo rant.

... We've Come A Long, Long Way Together ....

2008-02-27T21:28:18Z

---- through the hard times and the good. ----
---- i've got to celebrate you, baby. ----
---- i've got to praise you like i should. ----

If there is such a thing as "Cloud Nine", I am certainly on it.

I did a pretty bitchin' self portrait in figure drawing today. Working from a mirror usually is not my strong point, but I thought it turned out pretty good. My professor used it as an example after class and I tried to be modest even though I felt like Michelangelo embodied. :P haha. i kiiiiid.

I'm at a point where I have a choice between 2 positive options for my living situation. And even though it's win-win no matter what, it's kinda a tough choice. I can

A! Follow through with my plan to move home to the Cape for the summer, live with mamadukes rent free in Yarmouth for probably the last time ever, because they're putting the house up for sale. Work a couple of jobs, save up a couple G's easy by the end of the summer and find a place in Salem late in the summer before school starts.

B! Or, borrow some money and move in to the studio that I looked at the other day right now. I would be set with a living situation, but I'd be broke after paying first/last/security. I WOULD be working the same amount over the summer, obviously. But I would also be paying rent, so I wouldn't save NEARLY as much.

ahhhhhhhh! It's just so frustrating. Both things hold so many positive points, I'm just not sure which one has MORE. I know I will always be able to find a place to live, but I won't always be able to live rent free for 3 months and save all that money... but at the same time it would be SO SO SO SO SO nice to be able to just peace out of this terrible, destroyed, boy infested (haha) house right NOW. The Cape though... to be cooked for my mama... to be able to be at the beach every afternoon I have off of work... to be a 10 minute drive away from a beautiful cartoon-watching, pug-owning, car junky with his killer killer eyes... to have my broseph blasting gore metal next room over... to fall asleep being spooned/crushed by 3 silly dogs... GOD, it's almost too good to resist!

I just don't know. opinions?

.... all i'm sayin' pretty baby ....

2008-02-22T20:03:47Z

(la, la, love you. don't mean maybe.)

this is my life at a crossroads. all possibilities lie before me. i have never felt quite this feeling of peaceful excitement (holy oxymoron, batman!). i just feel as though every option, every direction that my life could possibly go in is all laid out in front of my eyes; that all it takes is a step onto the path that takes me to where i'm supposed to be. and no fear! none. just this calm. this perfect knowledge that everything's going to turn out the way it's supposed to. without knowing how it's going to.

i like that.

also. god works in mysterious ways. everybody says it, but i don't think that anybody really knows just how true that is.
there are so many things that your head can talk your heart out of. but there are other things that your heart will fight for and retain until your head just shrugs its figurative shoulders and says "fine! whatever helps you sleep at night!" and those feelings, those loves that your heart won't ever let out are the ones you know are the truest. they're the ones that swim in your blood. that you breathe in your lungs. they're supposed to be there. they're part of you.
he didn't bring us here until we were ready to be here.

ALSO!
i'm due to go check out an apartment on lafayette street tomorrow at noon! it's a studio, and i've been through it before, but not since they're been working on it and redoing the kitchen. !!!!! awesome. it's somewhere around $650 a month with heat included it's a 10 minute walk from school and i'm allowed to have little tazzy cat come live with me if i end up falling in love with this place. pretty sweet deal if you ask me. i'm excited. i hope it works out. it'll be just one more fantastic thing that's falling into place for me right now.

-fingers crossed-

Lame-o!

2008-02-08T19:36:16Z

This is hilarious.

1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Liz Madden

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Lizzle.

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Red Penguin.

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name and the street you live on)
Susan Becket.

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Madli. (huh?)

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (favorite super power ability then put man or girl)
Power To Kill A Yak With Mind Bullets Lady

7. YOUR JAPANESE NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name.)
Idsuizden. (..... huh?!)

8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (both parents middle name)
Susan Timothy.

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Ginger. (YES!)

Hoppin' on the survey band wagon!

2008-02-06T20:23:28Z

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now [don't name the person]:

1. You are one of my best friends in the world. I love you. But I hatehatehate living with you.
2. Blood is thicker than water. Someday I hope you will know that as well as I've learned it.
3. I will never not be jealous of you.
4. The implications of this scares me. But you don't. I think you're worth it. Weird?
5. I've never hated and loved somebody's attention so much.
6. When I picture my life and where I want it ending up. I picture a house, a couple of dogs, a couple of kids and the man I love. He doesn't have a face right now in my mind. But on the off-chance that he has one in my head, it is always yours.
7. I want to love you so bad. But every time I try to, I can't. I'm sorry.
8. You make me feel disposable. You're not as much of a saint as you make yourself out to be.
9. I wish you would get your life in order and not hang out with such terrible people. I have a lot of love for you still, just not a lot of desire to be around you.
10. You are the one and only person in my life who has always been there for me, loved me and forgiven me no matter what. Your love covers all offenses. You are the most beautiful person that I know.

NINE things about yourself:
1. I may not be an "adult". But I live like one.
2. I have an incredible capacity for forgiveness. I've got the biggest heart you ever saw.
3. I have a really good singing voice. So far the only people who know are those who have heard me sing in the shower.
4. I'm afraid of the dark. Pretty bad.
5. I can knit. And crochet. I'm too young to be this old.
6. I'm approaching one of the crossroads in my life.
7. I'm an art student. But I think I really want to be a paramedic.
8. I'm miserable in the house I'm living in. But absolutely content with every other aspect of my life.
9. I'm a barista. One of my nerdy barista dreams is to travel to Seattle and have a cappuccino at Cafe Vivace. The guy who owns it invented latte art.

EIGHT ways to win my heart:
1. Sweep me off my feet. Literally. Pick me up.
2. Spoon me.
3. Talk about modern art and banned literature with me.
4. Talk to me about your faith.
5. Touch my face.
6. Be confident. Light up a room.
7. Laugh when I make lame jokes. (i promise i'll do the same for you)
8. Hand around and do absolutely nothing with me. And love it.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. What I'm doing with my life. Post Salem State.
2. Long lost loves.
3. What a wonderful a mum I have.
4. Coffee.
5. Worry for the people closest to me who are hurting themselves. Subtly.
6. Money. And how much I hate it.
7. God.

SIX things you wish you never did:
1. Lie to the man I loved.
2. Sell the Grand Chawhee. (it still had some life in it!)
3. Move in with 3 filthy (but loveable) boys with close to no sense of hygiene.
4. Recommend that my boyfriend start talking to my best friend more.
5. Told my dad I hated him.
6. Be a maneater.

FIVE turn offs:
1. Dishonesty.
2. Abject PDA.
3. Cockiness.
4. Long fingernails.
5. Being more of a girl than I am.

FOUR turn ons:
1. Beautiful, intense eyes. Eye contact = sex.
2. Confidence. Not cocky. Confident.
3. A sense of style. Good style, that is.
4. Broad shoulders.

THREE words that describe your life:
1. Hopeful.
2. Restless.
3. Passionate.

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Europe. The Louvre. Rome. Abbey Lane. I want it all.
2. Share my life with somebody.

ONE confession:
1. No more masks.

An Update?

2008-02-04T08:47:53Z

(everlong)

God's a funny guy. Sometimes he can answer your most pressing questions without you even being aware that you've asked them. And how he makes it clear what his answeres are, no matter what your current circumstances are...

in the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut "bewitched, bewildered and bothered am I."

Anyway. I'm well. In the studio 1/2 the time and behind an espresso machine the other 1/2, for the most part at least. It's a pretty good combination, I'm gonna say.

I find myself missing the Cape more lately. And some of the people there. And since I feel no special obligation to stay in Salem all the time because I've been up here for 3 years now, I'm definitely going to be guiltlessly making trips any weekend that I can to remedy this "homesickness" for lack of a better word.

Speaking of people on the Cape. I wish people would stop being so awe-struck that I am still friends with Ashley Turner. I fucking love her. Shut up. Just shut up. Or find something better to talk about.

Either way you slice it, I'm living life on a rather high note at the moment. Trips to Boston to hang out with some of my favorite people in the world are always a good recipe for a huuuuuge smile on my face. Along with art-ing my butt off in spare time, reading lots of banned books and hanging out at friend's band practices. <3

If there was one thing that I could add to my state right now to make things a tidbit better would be somebody spooning me at night. Spooning so totally rocks.

.... And We Could Talk All Night ....

2007-06-17T16:37:53Z

//:://Woke up yesterday with you on my mind, so afraid of runnin' out of time. So come around again, and I'll show you what I mean. And you could tell me exactly what you need. And we could talk all night, and I will sing you lullabies\\::\\

I feel lost, and lazy, and anti-social. I haven't been keeping good touch with the people I know. I have been unexcited and unenthusiastic to go hang out with people that I meet. I am just dragging myself through life right now wondering what it is that I need to be doing more right. I want to feel like myself again. I went through a period where I really did feel good about myself. I really felt ok with just me. I don't feel that way anymore. I think I know why. And it sucks.

But with every problem comes an answer. It's all a matter of finding it.

Anyway, enough with the emoooo. If my next paycheck is good I'm going to go get my big lily piece done. I think I'm going to go back to the Purple Scorpion for it. I make Eric frozen hot chocolates when he comes into Jaho, and he said he'd give me a deal because they were so good. Hell yeah.

I went to this "festival" thing yesterday where a bunch of bands played including my friend's band Harvesting Horror. That was pretty neat. They played really well and I finally got a CD from them. (even though i should have had one from the start because i sing on the fucking cd. kinda. haha.) It's akward to be around Chris. He's weird around me now.

I miss girls. I know I said that I've been anti-social, and it's true. But I really do miss my broads so much, it's sick. I love the boys that I'm living with, but female interaction is something that I dearly, dearly miss. I feel like I don't have many good girl friends left anyway..

God, everything I say just turns out sad in this entry. I gotta quit my bitchin'.

....And I Will Hang My Head, Hang My Head Low....

2007-04-26T14:13:47Z

(Each feather it fell from skin
'Till thread bare while she grew thin
How were my eyes so blinded?
Each feather it fell from skin)

I've been better these past couple of weeks. I've been feeling a bit better and more whole, aside from the imminent end-of-semester-art-student-freakout.

(You know, that time of the year for all art kids where you realize that you have made little to no headway on your final art projects that will take like... 973498715 hours in the studio to finish that you don't have, so you spend every waking moment that you aren't in class, at work or in the bathroom in the studio.)

That's not so bad. I mean, that I can deal with. It seems that I've been growing on my own more up here in Salem. I've found an apartment. I'm working a job that I really like (woo espresso!). And I'm finding out slowly that it's not how many people you have in your life that you love and trust... it's the fact that you even have a few people in your life that you love and trust. But as I said... I'm finding it out slowly at best.

I have told myself and many others (that I'm comfortable enough to share this with), that I am completely done with Ashley, and that I'm honestly better off without a person like her in my life. I've talked about it in my head, I've talked about it out loud. I've convinced myself that she's never really been a good person, and that I've always been at her defense mostly because we've known eachother so long and I had just so so much love for her and I saw a side of her that not everybody did. I've talked myself into this idea that I don't even WANT her in my life anymore.

But I still find myself missing her. And it sucks. Because I don't want to. I want to stick by my morals, I want to stick by my wounded, and disrespected heart. And yet, I'll be in my room and my photos will have fallen on the floor and half of them will have her in them. I'll hear a song and remember a time we belted it in the car on the way to P-Town. I'll be hanging out with Adam and I'll wish that she was there. And at the same time that all of this nostalgia is going on in my mind, the other part of me is cursing her for destroying all of that for me.. for us.

I can bitch and try to forget all of our history all that I want. But the fact remains that, I loved Ashley unconditionally. I loved her as a sister. And I meant it when I told her that. And a part of me that I think I could do without, still loves the girl. Still loves her because I have such a forgiving side to my personality. And just because of all that we've been through together. She was my best friend... she was a bigger loss than I will let anybody, much less myself admit.

I just wish that she had had more to say to me... I just wish that there had been something there in her that would have made me want to continue talking to her. An apology. A protest. Some kind of sign that she cared about losing me as a friend.

Anything.

Weird!

2007-04-19T21:32:18Z

So I get an e-mail the other day from a friend on Cape that I haven't seen in a while. She is e-mailing me to ask if I became a Suicide Girl. Because of this photo...

Dude! I guess if I wanted to I could be. Because with 10 more pounds of boob, and a monroe piercing I could BE this chick. Crazyness and insanity. She even has a nose ring on the same side and a lily tattoo on her shoulderblade... creepy. haha.

......

2007-04-10T14:54:57Z

You know that saying, "true friends stab you in the front"?

It's not true.

They come from behind just like everybody else.

My God, people can just be fucking scumbags.

.... But You Won't Let Those Robots Defeat Me ....

2007-02-21T04:32:44Z

!!((Those evil robots. They're programmed to destroy us. She's gotta be strong to fight them. So she's takin' lots of vitamins. 'Cause she knows that it'd be tragic if she let those evil robots win. I know she can beat them. Oh, Yoshimi. They don't believe me. But you won't let those robots defeat me, Yoshimi))!!

My new favorite song. For serious. I don't care if the Flaming Lips are wicked XindieXsceneXcoreX. They are fantastic.

In other news. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I'm doing up here at school. For a while I couldn't figure out why I had such a lack of motivation with everything. I thought that maybe school just wasn't for me. Not that it was too hard, just.. not for me. Those kind of thoughts were stressing me out a lot, because hey, if I quit now, have these 2 years been for nothing? And just because, "school's not for me"? But I think I've got it figured out now... it's not that school's not for me. It's the fact that I think I may be on the wrong track with what I really want to do with my life.

I love me my art. Don't get me wrong, art is a part of me, something that I enjoy more than damn near anything in this world. But I've come to the conclusion that... though art is a passion of mine, is it really what I want to have as my career for the rest of my life? No. I've decided, no. I want to keep doing and creating art. I want to keep my passion for it alive. But I don't know that actually being an art teacher is really something that I'm passionate about. Maybe later on down the line I'll decide that it really WAS what I wanted to do, and when that happens, hey I still have my college credits that I've earned and I can just pick up where I started.

But what am I going to do until then? I'm taking next semester off. I'm not going to go back to Salem State, whether or not I end up getting a place up in the Salem area. I'm going to take the semester off, and I'm going to get myself signed up for the EMT course either at North Shore Community College, or 4 C's. It's never been something that I've really talked to anybody about.. because I was afraid that people wouldn't take me seriously because it's a COMPLETELY different direction from that one that I was in. But I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to stop thinking about it and actually do it. It's a job that I love the idea of. I've just lacked the nerve to actually pursue it. But I'm going to. My mum says that it's the kind of course that you either fall in love with, or immediately know it's not for you.

I guess I'll just have to find out.

But I will say this. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I suddenly have a direction that I'm going in that doesn't feel so out of my hands. I actually feel in control of my life again. And I'm trying something new, I'm going to step back and breathe for once. And I really hope that it works out.

End Rant!

..... </3

2007-01-22T06:43:32Z

I miss this so fucking much... my head's a mess. I don't know if I should believe anything that he says.. or if I should be listening to the words at all, whether they're right or wrong.

I feel so out of control.

Funny Story.

2006-11-21T17:35:15Z

Ok so, funny story. I get out of Color and Design class. It's a studio day, so I have all of my materials to retouch some of the more terrible paintings that I'm not too proud of. I have my paints, my paintbrushes, my illustration board, my rubber cement, my mixing tray, annnnnnd my X-Acto blade. An innocent enough collection of items. When I'm finished with my paintings I package them away into their little plastic bag that I carry them all in and make my way outside. So I run into Rhiannon outside of the building and sit with her for a minute, she asks me to help her with her final Electronic Media project, so we get up to go to the computer lab, and I swing my bag over my shoulder.... then the X-Acto blade that is now sticking halfway out of my bag, unnoticed by me

SHANKS ME IN THE LEG

I yell, and Rhiannon was like, "what did you prick yourself or something?".

Then I sit down and notice that there's a bloodspot on my pants. Damnit...

I go to health services with my shank-wound trickling down my leg, and when they look at it, and my health records, they decide that it would be a good idea to give me a tetanus shot. A TETANUS SHOT! For those who don't remember their last tetanus shot, I will remind you now that it is one of the most painful "after-shots" that there is. My arm feels like I got punched.

I beasted myself in the leg with an X-Acto and had to get a tetanus shot. Who does that? ... I suppose it's the danger of being an art kid.

The End.

.... I Ride Through The City's Backside, I See The Stars Come Out In The Sky ....

2006-11-03T16:36:23Z

(((We'll be the passenger. We'll ride through the city tonight. See the city's ripped insides. We'll see the bright and hollow sky. We'll see the stars that shine so bright. The sky was made for us tonight.)))

Hm. Things. Things have been going pretty good lately. I'm a lot less stressed out than I had been previously in the year. I've gotten past a crapload of midterms, gotten done all of my homework up to this date (thankgod), I'm a lot less worried about money since I became a rad barista (or coffee wench, or espresso slinger if you prefer) and I've got a lot of good friendships going up here. Things are smooooooth. Smooth like peanut butter.

("This fog is thicker than peanut butter!" "You mean pea soup." "You eat what you like and I'll eat what I like." Anybody who gets that reference has a special place in my heart for all of eternity, and a half.)

I got to yell the other day on my friend's album that they were recording. That was pretty rad. Now my lovely yelling voice will be immortalized.

::sigh:: things have been copecetic ($5 word), however. I have been feeling more than a little homesick lately. It's been hard for me to figure it out too. Because it's not that I just want to come down to the Cape for a weekend, or even a week and try and hang out with as many people as I can with the time I have, and all that etc. I don't miss coming to visit the Cape. I miss living on the Cape. I miss working almost every day, and being able to see people when I want to without the danger of having to cancel plans because I have to leave early to go back to Salem. It's not that I don't like it up here, it's quite the contrary, I love it. I love my barista job, I love my friends, I love not living at home. It's just... I dunno. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through where I'm trying to convince myself that I would rather just go move in with somebody and work, rather than finish school. I mean, I know in my heart that I will be better off if I finish school. I know this, there's no arguing it. I'm just having these weird "quit" because I miss everybody that's most important to me, and I miss doing things because I want to, not because I think I have to. I dunno. I guess I just have to be strong about it. Because I know that it would be a complete waste not to finish at this point, and I'm just being ridiculous.

::I just miss my Ashley. I have friends up here, but none of them are my left shoe. I miss talking to her all the time, I miss being able to just call up and be able to go frolick with her, and do those silly immature things that I can only do with her. After all, she still owes me a Mulan date. And I have to wait almost a whole month to get it, if I wait until break! How depressing is that. And though I have some good friends here.. I just can't talk to them the way that I can get things out to her. I try like hell, but it's just not the same. I need my Attorney.

::And I miss my nice Italian boy. He comes up to visit sometimes, but the fact that he's not right down the road somewhere, where I can just drive to him and find him tinkering on his car, playing with his pug, or killing zombies on the TV with Steve, just drives me crazy. I miss my love. My love whenever I need it from him. You can't get the same love from a phone call that you get from actually being in somebody's arms. And you will never get the same feeling hearing that somebody will love you forever through a receiver when it could be whispered into your ear. I just miss my darling. I miss his face.

::Ohh and my family. My mum. My brother. My Chet. MY DOGS! Everytime I see somebody walking a dog up here my heart goes "tink!" a little bit. "Tink" by the way, is the sound of it breaking a little bit because I don't have my little monsters around me up here. It's just unnatural!

I miss home!

ataintedwhisper @ 2006-09-20T09:41:00

2006-09-20T13:49:53Z

Bleeehhhh. I am in the most redundant class right now. It's called Intro to Electronic Media. It's an art class that I'm taking to cover my "computer literacy" component of my degree, so I can graduate. This class is basically a basicbasicbasic run down of Adobe PHOTOSHOP, ILLUSTRATOR, and INDESIGN. You know, those programs that I spent all my four years of GRAPHIC ARTS learning how to use. This class is basically destroying my soul because I already am proficienttttt ($5 word!) in all of these programs. I don't want to "learn" how to make basic shapes on Illustrator. Don't wanna!

Procrastination is Key.

2006-09-18T20:36:10Z

SINCE THE BEGINNING OF '06

1. Have you had a gf/bf? Yes <3
2. Have you had your birthday? In a month or so.
3. Been to church? No. Not for years. I'd kind of like to though.
4. Cried yet? A bunch. How emo.
5. Had someone close to you pass away? Yes..
6. Pulled an all nighter? I'm a college student. Of course.
7. Drank starbucks? Probably, I can't remember when though.
8. Went shopping? Couple times. When I wasn't broke.
9. Been camping? Yes!
10. Been to the beach? When you're from Cape Cod you live your life on the beach.
11. Bought something for over $200? My tattoos.
12. Met someone new? Chyea.
13. Been out of state? Yeah, couple of Maine trips.
14. Visited a family member? Mmhm.
15. Gone snowboarding? No, maybe this winter though.

[IN THE PAST MONTH]

1. Kissed someone? I've done my fair share of smooching.
2. Slept in a friend's bed? Yeah.
3. Snuck someone over? No.
4. Snuck out of your own house? Not recently.
5. Been to a bar? Can you say karaoke bar?
6. Lied? Yes.
8. Went over on your cell phone bill? Not this year, brah! (there's still time though)
9. Been called a whore? ::shrug:: it's possible.
10. Drove somewhere? Everywhere.
11. Been away from home? A lot.
12. Loved someone? A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot.

[LAST]

Thing you bought? Coffee. Obviously.
Person you hugged? Ronnie Demetrio. It was a scene hug. :P
Person you talked to? My bosom buddy.
When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile? Last night when I had to park wiiiiickedddd far away from work.
Who was the last person who saw you cry? Ronni.
Who was the last person who made you cry? The person I love.
Who was the last person who you watched a movie with you? I watched 13 Ghosts with some of my roomates, but they all got scared and walked out on me.
Who did you last yell at? Mooch.
Who last told you they loved you? My stepdad.
Who makes you smile most? Ashley, Jeremiah and Ronni.
What are you listening to right now? Cake.
What did you do yesterday? Worked, slinging espresso at emo kids.
Do you think your ex misses you? They should. I'm pretty fantastic.

.... Heaven Beside You ....

2006-09-11T20:17:37Z

[[[Like the coldest winter chill, Heaven beside you. Hell with you.]]]

I'm psyched to be back up at school. I'm rooming with Miss Ronni Porter, which is super. She even gave me the side of the room with the window, and it overlooks this walkway thing where people go running/biking/rollerblading/etc. So if I wanna, I can yell and throw stuff. It's pretty sweet.

I passed the exemption test for my Health and Wellness class. You need a 70 to not have to take the class and get the credits for it anyway, and I got a 71. I feel like the smartest person ever to walk the Earth. Take that Ashley Turner! You may have gotten the Sex Ed award at school, but I am a Health and Wellness MASTER! OH YA!

Speaking of my Ashley Turner. I miss her. And my dogs. And a couple other people from the Cape. But not a whole lot more than that. I'm kinda realizing that I grew apart from a lottttt alotalotalot of people I used to hang out with. I'm also kinda realizing that I'm strangely comfortable with that. :shrug:

Oh, and I got another tattoo. It's on my other shoulder and it says "Amor Vincit Omnia", which is "Love Conquers All" in Latin. I adore it. <3

Point the blame. Picture Frame. Playin' by the rules is why you're losin' the game.

2006-08-30T16:41:54Z

So, the most terrible, cliche thing happened to me.

My journals? The ones where growing up from about age 12, up until a month or 2 ago I actually wrote down my "innermost thoughts" in? Well, they're missing. I don't know where they are! I'm freakin' out, man.

I mean seriously... I have some of my steamy sex secrets in there. I hope my mommy isn't the one who found them or anything.... *cringe*

.... I Can Hear You Sing It To Me In My Sleep ....

2006-08-22T13:36:26Z

[[::Got your tape and it changed my mind. Heard your voice in between the lines. Come around from another time. Where nobody ever goes. All alone on the overpass. Wired and phoned to a heart of glass. Now I'm falling in love too fast. With you or the songs you chose. And all the stars play for me. Say the promise you long to keep. I can hear you sing it to me in my sleep. I can hear you sing it to me in my sleep.::]]

Semisonic is totally my new jam band, as of late. It's really old school, I almost forgot they existed. But they fulfill my love for piano rock so deliciously. I love it.

I'm getting just so tired of people from my past coming back into my life and wanting more from me than I can give. It's not that I don't care about them, it's just that they don't seem to realize that I would give them everything that they need from me, if I could. But I'm in no position to, their timing couldn't be worse, and it's tearing me in two to have to talk revisit these things with them.

On another pretty stressful note, my disc drive isn't working! The stupid, goddamn, fuckin' thing won't read blank cds so I can't burn anything, and it's really pissin' me off. Like woah. Like nobody's business.

On another another pretty stressful note. I'm so tired. Working at 5, then working again after that is not doing me any good. It's money. But now that's it's towards the end, I'm kinda starting to see that it's not worth it.

I'm going to a show tonight. And I'm going to be tired. And want to leave early. Because I am so tired. How lame!

.... Friend Is A Four-Letter Word ....

2006-07-25T02:18:54Z

....:: When I go fishing for the words I am wishing you would say to me, I'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me ::....

Yay pink lips!

*shrug* Ashley Turner told me that she liked this one, so I decided to put it up for the world to see. ("the world" ie: the few people that read my journal! whee hoo!)

In other news. Same old same old same old. Working working working. Appreciating every second of time off that I have, when I really should be appreciating all of my hours because I won't be too poor up at school.

Nerdiness.

2006-07-03T14:38:16Z

Your Autobiography

:

Part 1: How I Came To Be

Were you a planned baby?: Did you know that when you take antibiotics when you're on birth control pills it makes them not work? Well nobody told my mom!

Were you the first?: Yes. The 1st AND the better looking. :P

Were your parents married when you were born?: No. Mum was pregnant during her wedding. So I sorta attended it.

What is your birthday?: October 27th.

Part 2: My Family

How would you describe your family?: Loud. Obnoxious. Stubborn. Separated. But on the whole, pretty much happy. At least the people I live with. Which is pretty damn cool.

Are your parents married, divorced or separated?: Divorced and remarried.

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: I'm the big sister to my brother, but if you count all of my other step siblings, I'm somewhere in the middle.

What are your siblings names?: Chris is my actual brother. But then there is Angela, Amanda, Andrea, Annie, Chet and Faythe. Yes, that's 7. Wanna fight about it?

Which parent do you get along with best?: My mum, I guess. I don't see my dad enough really to have a really deep personal relationship, but we do get along really well when we're together, especially as of late.

Do you have step parents?: Yes. Deb and Chet. And they come along with 6 step siblings that I love dearly.

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend? I guess, in a manner of speaking.

Who is your best friend?: Ashley Turner, brah! My Brown-Eyed Girl.

What do you like to do when you are together?: Comsume ridiculous amounts of caffiene. Eat way more than girls of our stature would be expected to eat. Be crazy and nostalgic. Rant. Take photos. Go on road trips. Be mean girls. :P etc etc etc. We're pretty much wicked awesome. We're kinda a big deal.

Do you share the same interests?: Of course. Except for soy milk.

Which friend can you tell anything to?: Ashley Turner probably knows things about me that I don't even know.

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: On average, high. I think I'm a pretty good kid. Comparitively speaking.

Do you get depressed about things easily?: I don't usually let myself. I used to. But then I realized how lame that was and you know.. stopped. Heh.

Do you live life to the fullest?: To the best of my goddamned ability.

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: I'm pretty cute yeah. Or at least my nice Italian boy thinks so. And my mom. And that's all that really counts. Hah.

Do you have any piercings?: 6 up my ears, my nose, and I have a wicked super cool ex-eyebrow piercing kiloid scar (sp?).

How do you dress?: Depends on what my mood is that day. I wear a bit of everything. But I think I pull it off okay.

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: Other than the fact that I took karate like a little tomboy, no. At least I don't think so.

What did you use to love that you no longer do?: A couple of boys!

Do you have the same friends?: I think my only old old friend that I am still in touch with is Becca.

Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Just my parents divorce.

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: To be an art teacher, get married and have a family.

Do you want to get married?: Oh, totally. I want the works.

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: Oh the outside, without a doubt.

What is your favorite season?: Ohhh the summer. The only season where it's permissible to run around scantily clad.

Favorite weather?: Hot, blue-skied, breezy summer weather.

Do you like walking in the rain?: Yes, I love the rain. Especially if it's warm out and it's raining. Cold rain = stay inside.

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: No, but I think I could be if I chose to. I wouldn't be altering my lifestyle that much. And Ashley Turner and I could enjoy soy milk together.

What is your favorite food?: Ohhh anything Italian. Anything that has to do with PASTA. :D

What food makes you want to gag?: Any kinda seafood... and mushrooms. Eww, fungus.

What is your favorite dessert?: If it has chocolate in it, chances are I am partial to it.

What is your favorite restaurant?: Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT Taco Bell. In fact, I am very fond of the Olive Garden (mmm breadsticks) and B2 Burrito Bistro (mmm burritos).

Are you a fussy eater?: Not in the least. I have a stomach of steel!

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: Ohh, so very taken. <3

If taken who is the lucky girl or guy?: Jeremiah Cataldo.

If you are taken, how long have you been a couple?: It will have been 2 years in 2 days. :D :D :D Yay anniversaries!

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: I think it depends on how real, how deep, and how right the love is. Because you can be in love with a total asshole (these things do happen!) and it can feel good/bad and it sucks! But when you are with the right person and you are in a happy pie-eating relationship.. then yes. It is the best feeling.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: I think that you can fall in "like" at first sight. Love is something much deeper that kinda can't be attained by a physical analysis of someone alone.

.... I Studied You In Math Class ....

2006-06-28T13:08:07Z

<<<>>>Deep inside my eye. There's a piece of you.<<<>>>
<<<>>>You still look the same. Except you're grown up now.<<<>>>

So I chopped all my hair off, and now I look like a boy.

I like it. My hair isn't on my neck, and if I DO look like a boy I'm like... the hippest boy scout ever.

In other news, since it has been oh, so long since I have put anything in here, I am practically doing nothing with myself besdies WORK WORK WORK. I'm working full-time at Pondside still with the older girls. And now I'm working weekends and early morning stock at the Gap. And while the money is super wicked really good, I feel like I have absolutely no life and I am pretty much exhausted all the time, pretty much anytime I have free time, I try to spend it with people, but I find myself wanting to just go to sleep more than anything. I know that I need to save money, because I don't want to be begging mum for it when I go to school. I don't think I could do that even if I was broke and eating my college furniture for sustenance. I dunno, I just remember all of my summers being fun and awesome, even though I worked all the time, because I still found time to do other things. With 2 jobs it just seems to be getting harder and harder to find that time. It sucks, and I hate it.

I want to be doing some of the things that I actually want to do this summer. I want to be out taking photos while there's still fucking daylight. (I work through the daylight... how fucking SICK is that?!)
I want to spend more time with Ashley, I mean I don't realize how theraputic it can be to just spend the night in one of our rooms laughing until we can't breathe and finding silly things to do. ("Everybody knows that George was a rotten man").
I want to be able to spend more time with Mooch. I feel like our relationship is just going to keep getting harder and harder if we don't have time to breathe because he's working super full time and I'm working 2 jobs and it's hard to discern what free time we have should be spent with eachother and what time should be spent with our friends without cutting ourselves off of either entirely.
I want to go to the beach. Yes I said it. The beach. I LIVE on the Cape and I have been to the beach a grand total of 2 times this summer. And only one visit was to swim. And both occasions were in a span of less than 45 minutes. I want to take a day and just sit on the beach all day long, swim, sit on the beach, go for a walk, sit on the beach, go get some ice cream, sit on the beach, jump for joy realizing that I finally have a tan, etc etc.
I want to be able to go running again. I find myself too tired to even think about moving myself faster than a crawl after work, and maybe that's my own fault for not trying to motivate myself more, but I just miss having enough energy to just go do it whenever I feel like it.
I want to be able to stay with my dogs or take them all somewhere or even take them for a fucking walk that's not for less than 20 minutes.

I just can't believe how much working so much is inhibiting me. I don't mind the money. I just keep telling myself that I'm making a lot of money. But honestly, I'm just counting the days until I can go camping in Maine. That week in July is going to be godsend for me... I really REALLY just need some time to relax...

A Meaningful List.

2006-06-24T02:49:23Z

Mac > PC

- PCs “go online”. Macs go on a SAFARI BITCHES!

- Macs are modern, shiny, futuristic pieces of machinery. Look at a PC today, and one from 1998. They are the same, except one is off-white and one is black.

- PCs are technology’s retard. If you ask them to do more than one thing at a time they have to crash for a bit then give it another go 15 minutes later.

- PCs. 4 words. Blue. Screen. Of. Death.

- PCs are like children. They carry more viruses then sewer rats in New York City.

- Macs don’t confuse you with more than one mouse button.

- When you start your Mac you dont have to wait for 10 minutes for all the programs to load before you can use it.

- Who doesn’t like apples anyway?

- When you “X” the box on a Mac, it actually goes away.

- Macs come equipped with ITunes, the greatest music software there is. PCs come equipped with... MusicMatch Jukebox. Wtf is that.

- You know what weird feeling you get when you buy something for a really good deal from a guy in the back alley wearing a trench coat? Thats the feeling you get after you buy a PC.

- Macs are automatically compatible with the original versions of ALL of the Adobe programs. Enough said. Long live Photoshop.

- Who doesn’t love turning their keyboard into an ACTUAL keyboard. (God bless Garage band)

- A Mac comes in one piece. A PC comes in 18908176349587612345 pieces.

- PCs make ungodly noises when they start up that are IMPOSSIBLE to stifle.

- Widgets. Plain and simple. Widgets.

- A Mac is a simple, beautiful piece of modern art. A PC is a meaningless complicated scribble done by a child of 4, who is explaining to you that it’s your portrait.

- Hit the “F11” button on a Mac sometime and tell me its not the best thing you have ever done.

- Windows Media Player is the devil. You and I both know it.

- Graphic Arts person’s choice: Look at the packaging on the box your mac comes in... prepare to wet yourself with joy.

- Graphic Arts person’s choice: Just trust the Graphic Arts people. We know what we’re talking about. Damn it.

- The only people who prefer PCs live in their parent’s basement and have LAN parties. People who prefer Macs are colorful individuals who critique the business cards in D’Angelo’s.

- “Mac” is something that you are doing when you are getting some. PC... well. Is nothing. Unless you want to pretend it’s an abbreviation for Pathetic Computer.

- Attach a new piece of hardware to your PC... be prepared to spend another 1/2 hour “installing” it and then having it not work anyways. True story guys.

- Macs USB ports are conveniently located on the sides of the laptop for easy access. The PCs USB ports are located on the backside of the laptop, for getting eaten by a tangle of cords that you can’t reach
without killing yourself.

- Yesterday I made a movie on my Mac. Yesterday you might have typed a paper on Microsoft word... after restarting it 3 times.

- The Apple key, that allows you to save, copy, paste, and do just about any taskbar command without having to touch the mouse. <3

- Mac’s spokes guy is an attractive boy. Dell’s is a ridiculous kid named Steve.

This is our list. If anybody has any additions, they are welcome. If anybody has any objections. You can just go fuck yourselves! Yeah!

:P